I never thought I would be the kind of person who felt burdened by being another year older, but a couple of nights before turning 29 I couldn't sleep for the fear that my impending birthday filled me with. Whether I had realised it or not, I clearly had some preconceptions about where my life should be at when I enter my thirties and suddenly I was feeling the pressure to get my life in check before the year is out. I had completely bought into the lie that if I've not checked off certain boxes by next January then I'm somehow unsuccessful.
Despite my little crisis, I actually had a really nice birthday spending time with family and I was thoroughly spoiled with lovely gifts, one of which was Timothy Keller's book "My Rock, My Refuge - A year of daily devotions in the Psalms". I've always loved his books and have developed a real love for the Psalms over the last few years, so I couldn't wait to get started with it.
Today's devotion centred on our tendency to forget that God is God and that we are not. And I realised as I read it that it was the key to my discomfort at entering the final year of my twenties. I had forgotten that God is sovereign, that He is so totally in control, and not only is He in control but He is acting in my best interests.
I had forgotten that because He is sovereign, I don't need to try to be in control.
Each devotional comes with a suggested prayer that Keller says should be used as a jumping off point for praying the psalm for yourself. Today's offering was:
"Lord, so many of my problems stem from not remembering you. I forget your wisdom and so I worry. I forget your grace and so I get complacent. I forget your mercy and so I get resentful of others. Help me remember who you are every moment of the day. Amen."
It is so, so full of truth but in particular what struck me is that when I forget God I also forget who I am. I forget that I am made in His image. I forget that He made me for a purpose. And I forget that the only mould I should be seeking to fit is the one He made for me. So, I am letting go of my fear and discomfort, letting go of the measuring stick of "success" and grabbing hold of my God. The God who knit me together in my mother's womb and knows me better than I know myself. The One who has a plan and a purpose for my life, and the One who loves me unconditionally, no matter what, with a perfect love that casts out fear.
