Renewed Perspective

I did something a little bit mental this weekend. On Friday morning I booked flights to go down to London for the weekend and later, after a twelve hour working day, packed a rucksack ready to fly down to London on Saturday morning.

It's been six and a half months since I moved back to Glasgow and it was the end of June the last time I went down to visit. As my last few posts have suggested, over the last wee while I've been struggling with fear and letting the day-to-day realities of life get on top of me a little. I've been fixating on questions about what's next, and I've been giving myself a hard time about pretty much everything. I needed to spend some time with the people who know me best. The ones who wouldn't think twice about setting me straight on my skewed perspective. The ones whose words of correction don't sting because I know they love me unconditionally.

I couldn't help feeling as I boarded the plane on Saturday morning that it was going to be incredibly difficult to leave London on Monday evening. And I spent the majority of the flight thinking about looking for jobs that could move me back there permanently.

But it's amazing how quickly all of that dissipated. Hearing the story of my last 6 months relayed back to me from a number of my friends brought wonder and excitement flooding back. It was like I spent my time over the weekend plugged in to charge and with every conversation I was refuelling. My perspective was pulled back into line as people reminded me over and over how far God has brought me, out of a dark valley and into a new place. I think that I am still definitely climbing this particular hill, so I can't fully see the view that the last year has been working towards, but I have been reminded that the view is coming. It's always so much easier to make sense of the climb when we know what we were climbing towards. But I've been reminded to trust Him even though I am blind to what the future holds.

It was so great to be back at All Saints on Sunday worshipping with my family there but it absolutely confirmed for me that it is right that that is no longer where I am. It doesn't make the people there any less my family, and it was great to pick up where I left off with so many folk. But my place is most definitely in Glasgow. It turned out not to be so difficult to get on the plane on Monday night.

I feel like I have come back changed.

Renewed.

My perspective is much more healthy and it's having a positive effect on my work, my productivity, my creativity and my efficiency. I know that I am where I am meant to be and I am going to make the most of every moment and every opportunity.

This morning it was a huge battle to get out of my bed but as I chose again and again to be thankful and to be positive, negativity couldn't keep a hold of me.

It all comes down to love. The love of my friends and the overwhelming love of God that I experienced afresh as the Holy Spirit rested heavily on me on Sunday evening. At the time I was aware that God was doing something in my heart but I couldn't have defined what. My attitude today has been so vastly different to my attitude over the last number of weeks that I can only deduce that there's a connection.

And anyway, isn't it a biblical truth that perfect love casts out all fear?

This weekend God has showered me with His perfect love through the Holy Spirit and through His church.

So maybe my last minute trip wasn't quite so much mental as prompted by the Holy Spirit...

A wandering prodigal returning home

This evening I am finally ready to admit that I have been living in fear. 

I'm not quite sure when it crept back up on me, but it's been following me around like a shadow for longer than I would like to admit.

Over the past couple of months I, along with a bunch of folk, have been reading a book called Everday Church by Tim Chester and Steve Timmis. In one chapter they suggest that God is four G's:

Great - He is Sovereign. He holds all things together

Glorious - He is the only One worthy of glory and the only One worthy to be feared

Good - He is the only bringer of true and lasting joy

Gracious - He has justified us through the blood of Christ so we do not need to justify ourselves

And these four truths have a profound bearing on our lives:

Because God is great we don't have to be in control

Because God is glorious we don't have to fear others

Because God is good we don't have to look elsewhere

Because God is gracious we don't have to prove ourselves

But somewhere along the way I have lost sight of all four of these. I've started trying to get control over my life and worrying about what will happen with work when my current contracts run out. I've been filled with fear that I won't have enough work to pay my way. I've been fearing too what other people think of me both in general and in a work context. This fear has been so paralysing that several times a week I consider packing it all in and giving up. And I've forgotten that God is good and is all I need, so I've started coveting material things and craving food that will never satisfy. I've forgotten that God, in His grace has already bought me at a price and adopted me into His family, knowing full well that I'm not good enough but making me holy and blameless in His sight, and because I've forgotten this, I'm constantly trying to prove myself and earn my place at the table.

I've got myself into quite a state. 

So tonight I'm asking God to teach me the four G's again and choosing to surrender the fear to Him. Once again this wandering, prodigal child is returning home to her Father who is waiting with open arms.

Mastering the Dread

It wasn't so long ago that I was without work and feeling desperately useless and endlessly lethargic. I would have quite happily taken any work that was offered to me and been utterly overjoyed if it actually had anything to do with drama, theatre or the arts. Yet now, 4 weeks in to a very full freelance schedule I am experiencing "the dread". That feeling that most people have on a Sunday evening but I have on a Tuesday evening because along with the many unconventional aspects of self-employed, freelance work in the arts, I work over the weekend and have my weekend when everyone else is back at work.

See, I am already sounding negative.

When did I lose the overwhelming thankfulness that I had when things started coming together? Exactly how long did it take to fall into the pattern of the world, where we largely live for the weekend? And why am I allowing myself to trundle along, counting down the days until work is over? Work that a couple of months ago I was so unbelievably grateful for. When did I lose sight of this work being God's provision?

There's been a lot of stuff posted online and in the media recently about Generation Y and how we are living in an age of entitlement, where we expect to land the dream job and to be totally fulfilled by the work we are doing. And on top of that some of us have an extra dose of natural ambition. I've always been ambitious, and not necessarily always in a good way. I always want to be three steps ahead of where I am. And that stops me from seeing and remembering the blessing in the here and now.

No, I might not be doing the kind of work that I would really like to be doing, but I am a step closer to it than I was 6 months ago, and two steps closer than I was this time last year.

It's all a journey.

So, I am choosing this evening to master the dread. To go to bed with a thankful heart. To count my blessings and live in the present. Not with my eye on the future but with my eye on the One who holds the future in His hands. Trusting in Him to make my path straight.