A reflection on having integrity

I've noticed that since completing my MA I am a much more reflective practitioner. And I ask questions of my practice a lot more. "Why am I doing this?" "What do I think of this?" "What is the purpose of this work?"

This week, in particular, I have noticed that the pages of my notebook are filled with lots of little pep talks to myself. Things that I have learned that I want to keep learning and never forget. The biggest and most important learning point, that comes up again and again, is to be myself.

I have always felt strongly that I wanted to have integrity in my work (and in all areas of my life). That I didn't want to "sell out" or to become a suck-up to get ahead. But I have found as I have reflected on my work over the past couple of weeks that integrity is about much more than just that. According to Wikipedia integrity is:

A concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and outcomes.

Consistent methods. This in particular is the area that I think I have re-discovered this past week. It can be so tempting in a new environment to bend to how others work, or to try and fit someone else's mould. I feel like I have been caught out in the last fortnight in this very area. Not in some major, catastrophic way, but subtley bowing to others opinions instead of sticking by my convictions and my own tried and tested methods of working in particular settings. What I have discovered is that when I do try to fit in someone else's mould I have invariably stopped questioning my process, choosing instead to just accept someone else's way of doing.

And so, I remind myself:

• Don't lose your nerve
• Be honest and true to yourself
• Hold strong to your convictions and ideals
• Don't undermine the exercise's purpose or potential by compromising its full process

It strikes me that when I fall in to a place of inconsistency in my methods I am compromising not just the potential of the exercises and the process but I am also compromising myself. I am who I am, and my process is my unique selling point. Even someone who uses a similar process to me will be different to me, because so much of the job is tied up with personality. You can't fake your personality. So when I try to adopt a process that doesn't fit well with my convictions and personality, I'm never going to be working at my best. Not because that process is no good, but because it is not mine.

I think all good directors have evolved their own way of working, cobbled together like mine from things that have worked.

Max Stafford-Clark

So what are some hallmarks of my process?

• I have to know the purpose behind each activity I am using - if I don't know what I am trying to achieve through an exercise, it shouldn't be on my plan.
• I must have some degree of order in my rehearsal/workshop room. It is important to me that creativity is channeled. Unbridled creativity leads to an atmosphere of chaos where no participant's voice is fully heard. Part of the creative process is knowing when it is one's turn to speak and when it is one's turn to listen. It's about instilling the principles of teamwork and creating an ensemble, where all can speak and be listened to.
• There must be a goal or objective to work towards. An endless stream of workshops for workshops sake gets no one anywhere. Whether the end point is a performance or the development of certain skills, I think it is important for all concerned to feel some sense of purpose in the work.
• The drama/theatre should never just be a tool or vehicle. If we are going to use drama and theatre, we must also teach how to use them effectively. We must equip people with a theatrical language. How can we expect participants to express themselves theatrically if we do not teach them the language? That is like asking someone who only speaks English to write a poem in French.

And so, my challenge to myself in the work that lies ahead is not to lose my nerve. To cling to my convictions and to trust that what I do best is be myself.