Life is never, ever black and white. Nothing is ever straight forward.
Just short of 3 months ago I got engaged. And so the last 3 months have been such a precious wee time with lots of really exciting and lovely things happening in preparation for getting married in June. But honestly, the past 3 months have included some of the most painful times too.
Today would have been my Mum's 61st birthday. But she is still and will forevermore be 53. Writing it in numbers like that makes me realise just how long we've been without her, but as if it were only yesterday I can vividly remember the evening before she passed away, when we had just found out that her diagnosis was terminal. I've never been very good at doing emotion with my family (although I think in the past 7 years I've got better at it?) and so when Dad told my brother and I the news I immediately put on my shoes and left the house. I had no idea where I was going and I could barely breathe let alone see through the tears, but I just had to get out. I ended up on a bench in Rouken Glen park and the thought I can remember most clearly was the realisation that my Mum wouldn't be there on my wedding day.
As the years passed that thought slipped from my mind as no such wedding seemed to be on the cards. Now, of course, that has changed. Almost daily at the moment something wedding/future related makes me wish she was here. The most exciting time of my life has brought with it a resurgence of grief. And the reality is that in the excitement and celebration there is always going to be a part of me that hurts because she isn't here. And I can't ignore it.
Following a walk up at Whitelees Windfarm this afternoon, we stopped in at Whole Foods for a spot of cake. The lid of the little jam pot that came with my scone said "Savour the Moment". The words really hit me. It's something I'm often guilty of forgetting. Sometimes it's because of busyness but sometimes I think it's because of fear that it will hurt too much because if I let the good stuff in, then the hard stuff can get in too.
And yes, in honesty, there's a lot that feels a bit painful right now. But there is a heck of a lot that I am super excited about and hugely thankful for. Avoiding the pain would mean missing out on the fullness of the good bits. Life is full of great things and hard things but the hard things make the great things all the more great.
I'm going to try harder to savour the moment. The great bits and the hard bits that are all bound up together. All of it. And by doing so I'll be choosing love and gratitude over fear.
