In their hearts humans plan their course, but The Lord establishes their steps.
You almost couldn't write it. Three years in a row now I have begun the year with an unsuccessful interview for a more stable job. And each time the feedback I receive is that they really liked me, they just liked someone else a wee bit more. Three years of starting out the year feeling not good enough or feeling second best. Being the runner up sucks. I'd much rather be absolutely, definitely last. With rubbish interview technique and some solid feedback that I could actually work on. But instead I'm just not quite as good as the chosen candidate.
We all know I love a good bit of reflection, and something like this is a perfect opportunity to reflect on what I think might be going on in all of this. It is in this area - jobs - that I am most aware of the gap between the now and the not yet of God's Kingdom. The reality is that if any of those three jobs were truly for me then God would have made a way. But I am painfully aware of my humanity in the response I feel to the outcome of these interviews. Rejection, upset, panic and fear over the future. Failure.
But are these words "failure", "unsuccessful", "the preferred candidate" actually just all a bit distracting?
How am I measuring success and failure? And does it matter if the people with the hiring power prefer someone else? Especially if the One with HIGHER power is for me?
Despite not getting the job in these three circumstances (and a few more times in between), I have never been without work. In fact, my freelance CV has never looked healthier. In freelance terms, you could definitely say I've had a successful few years. I have known and continue to know God's provision for me. He has consistently made a way for me and opportunities have come to me in abundance. Thing is, I can't rely on myself. I can't do it in my own strength. I need him constantly. I need to trust that He provides. And that He will lead me down the path He has for me.
But my prayers are inconsistent.
I know that the deep prayer of my heart is to be where God wants me. But in the moment of the here and now I throw up prayers of circumstance, "God please, it would make things so much easier if I just had some stability". But why have stability when I could have the fullness of God's plan for me? (That's not me saying that should I find myself in a stable job in the future that I wouldn't be living in the fullness of what God has for me, or indeed that I think stable jobs are not good with God!) But what if what He has for me right now is what He has me doing? Well then I wouldn't want to be doing anything else.
But still pain. Still upset. Still seasons of doubt and fear about what lies ahead.
I know the incredible provision of God and yet still I feel all the human responses to uncertainty.
And so I am starting out another year putting my eyes back on God to remind me who I am, to affirm my identity and to provide for my needs. I'm putting my eyes back on God and asking Him again to put me where He wants me - not where I might want myself. And I'm continuing to push doors of opportunity, trusting that He will hold them open or close them shut in accordance with His will.
