Radio Silence

I've never really been much of a one for listening to the radio. With the exception of a few months listening to UCB as I applied for jobs last year, the radio hasn't really ever been a part of my life. But over the past couple of months I have been listening to it fairly constantly in my car. There's a combination of reasons why - the traffic reports are helpful when you are driving around 200 miles a week for work, it feels oddly like having company because you hear familiar voices chatting and when they mention things they've talked about previously you feel sort of like part of a community, and the reason I switched it on in the first place: I had got downright bored of the CD's in my car.

Before long I had picked up the lyrics to most of the tunes that are in the charts and would sing away without even thinking twice. I am pretty much always singing in my car. And when it's CD's that are playing, the vast majority of what I'm singing is worship music. But singing along to the songs in the charts is a hugely different kettle of fish. And it's only this week that I've really realised what I've been singing along to. And in turn have made the connection as to why I have been feeling pretty rotten and far from God.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

Philippians 4:8

It's pretty safe to say that when your mind is full of the lyrics to the songs that are at the top of the charts at the moment that the vast majority of what is in your mind is not noble or right or pure or lovely or admirable.

Right before Paul writes this, he tells the church in Philippi to "rejoice always" and he tells them that in doing this and bringing everything before God in prayer and petition with thanksgiving that we will be filled with peace.

Lightbulb moment. Part of the cause of the anxiety I have been struggling with lately is tied up in what I have been letting occupy my mind.

With this revelation in mind, I made a conscious effort yesterday to switch the radio off and get a worship CD back on. If I'm honest, I don't feel any huge change yet. But God is good. Always. And He is always worthy of our praise. And as I allow the truth of His goodness to occupy my mind again I know that my heart will be renewed too.

Breaking the Power of the Lies

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armour of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Ephesians 6: 10-17

 

I seem to have misplaced my armour over the past fortnight or so and so haven't managed to stand firm against the enemy's scheming. Over the last couple of weeks I have been feeling a huge weight of sadness follow me around, I've had anxiety churning in my stomach constantly and I have been believing in lies about myself, the people around me and where I fit in community. The enemy has been so clever to hit all my weak spots and has planted all the right questions in my mind to stop me feeling like I could talk to anyone about what was bothering me. I've been completely cut off and I've been spiralling into a black hole.

 

Last weekend a friend challenged me about where I was at and in a great fit of pride I fought back on just about every point that he made, determined that I was right and that he just wasn't understanding me - and besides that was half the point... no one understood me, no one really listened to me, people just assumed that they knew me. And they didn't. Another conversation later with another friend resulted in me spilling out all the stuff that had been bothering me. Everything he said in response riled me up too. I was crying in Starbucks over friends reaching out to me and speaking truth into my situation. But I was crying because I didn't want to hear their truth. I believed my truth was right.

 

The enemy got me good and hard this time and I was not prepared for it. I can see now that my prideful responses were birthed out of the lies I had substituted for truth. In his book "Dreaming with God", Bill Johnson talks about the meaning of the word desire as being "of the father" (from the root "de" meaning of and the root "sire" meaning the father). He goes on to say this:

 

"The question should not be, "are my desires from God?" The question should be, "With what, or with whom have I been in communion?" I can commune with God or with the enemy"

 

The pride that had welled up in my heart was the fruit of having spent time listening to the lies of the enemy.

 

So in my pride and bitterness I fell further out of community and out of truth into my black hole and the deeper I fell the more difficult it became to let anyone know how I was feeling. Shame, pride, anxiety - all fruit of the enemy that was cutting me off and keeping me trapped in darkness.

 

But everything turned around overnight. Despite my prideful responses to my friends' words of truth, by speaking about where I was at I had brought those feelings out of the darkness and into light and the act of confessing what I was feeling broke the power of the lies. The enemy lost his grip on me.

 

Last night some of us had a girls film night and a few of us sat drinking tea and chatting right past midnight. Once I started talking about it I couldn't stop, and the more I described what I had been feeling and believing the more I realised that I had been sitting under spiritual attack. I feel like I have walked out of a thick fog that had been blinding me for the past number of weeks. It feels like now I can see clearly again.

 

I'm going to make a point of putting that armour back on and making sure I don't lose it. And in future speaking about what's going on before I end up stuck in a black hole again.

 

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

1 Peter 2:9



Changed and Changing

How quickly life can turn around. Today marks 7 months back in Glasgow. I am aware that I often make a point of marking the months that pass, building little signposts along the timeline of my life. And as I reach this particular marker I find myself reflecting on the yo-yo nature of my existence. Up and down, up and down. 

Things change so quickly. 

Lots of things have changed over the past 7 months - some good, some really not, some neither good or bad just changed. 

Today, as just another Monday - not as a specially signposted day - feels like a low point. One of those days when I realise just how far from God I've fallen without even noticing. A day to drag my bruised and grubby, sinful self back to the cross to deal with my mess face to face with the Saviour of my soul.

But today as a build-a-signpost, 7-month-marker tells a different story. When I view today as one wee point in a panoramic view of the past number of months or years all I can see is God's grace and the beautiful way that he weaves everything together for His purposes.

Life is so chaotically complex. We don't experience just one pure emotion in a single, momentary little box. We have all these thoughts and feelings and memories vying for attention, sadness over one situation competes with excitement about possibilities on the horizon, memories that bring a smile can in the same moment bring a tear of grief. 

From one minute to the next our whole world can change whilst simultaneously we are caught up in a much longer process of change as we are made new in God; shaped and moulded and refined to more clearly reflect Jesus. Changed and made new when we give our lives to Jesus, the old self passes away and we are made a new creation. But a new creation that is still being formed day by day.

In church language preachers often talk about "both/and". I'm learning that we live in a constant state of both/and. We are both changed and changing, and I am beginning to understand that we need to view life through a changed-and-changing lense. Not viewing today as a stand-alone entity but as one part of a much bigger picture. 

So today I do come back to the cross, with all my mess. But rather than coming in shame, I come knowing that God has been doing and continues to do a renewing work in me and that in His grace He is making me, day by day, more and more into the person He created me to be.