Breaking the Power of the Lies

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armour of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Ephesians 6: 10-17

 

I seem to have misplaced my armour over the past fortnight or so and so haven't managed to stand firm against the enemy's scheming. Over the last couple of weeks I have been feeling a huge weight of sadness follow me around, I've had anxiety churning in my stomach constantly and I have been believing in lies about myself, the people around me and where I fit in community. The enemy has been so clever to hit all my weak spots and has planted all the right questions in my mind to stop me feeling like I could talk to anyone about what was bothering me. I've been completely cut off and I've been spiralling into a black hole.

 

Last weekend a friend challenged me about where I was at and in a great fit of pride I fought back on just about every point that he made, determined that I was right and that he just wasn't understanding me - and besides that was half the point... no one understood me, no one really listened to me, people just assumed that they knew me. And they didn't. Another conversation later with another friend resulted in me spilling out all the stuff that had been bothering me. Everything he said in response riled me up too. I was crying in Starbucks over friends reaching out to me and speaking truth into my situation. But I was crying because I didn't want to hear their truth. I believed my truth was right.

 

The enemy got me good and hard this time and I was not prepared for it. I can see now that my prideful responses were birthed out of the lies I had substituted for truth. In his book "Dreaming with God", Bill Johnson talks about the meaning of the word desire as being "of the father" (from the root "de" meaning of and the root "sire" meaning the father). He goes on to say this:

 

"The question should not be, "are my desires from God?" The question should be, "With what, or with whom have I been in communion?" I can commune with God or with the enemy"

 

The pride that had welled up in my heart was the fruit of having spent time listening to the lies of the enemy.

 

So in my pride and bitterness I fell further out of community and out of truth into my black hole and the deeper I fell the more difficult it became to let anyone know how I was feeling. Shame, pride, anxiety - all fruit of the enemy that was cutting me off and keeping me trapped in darkness.

 

But everything turned around overnight. Despite my prideful responses to my friends' words of truth, by speaking about where I was at I had brought those feelings out of the darkness and into light and the act of confessing what I was feeling broke the power of the lies. The enemy lost his grip on me.

 

Last night some of us had a girls film night and a few of us sat drinking tea and chatting right past midnight. Once I started talking about it I couldn't stop, and the more I described what I had been feeling and believing the more I realised that I had been sitting under spiritual attack. I feel like I have walked out of a thick fog that had been blinding me for the past number of weeks. It feels like now I can see clearly again.

 

I'm going to make a point of putting that armour back on and making sure I don't lose it. And in future speaking about what's going on before I end up stuck in a black hole again.

 

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

1 Peter 2:9



Changed and Changing

How quickly life can turn around. Today marks 7 months back in Glasgow. I am aware that I often make a point of marking the months that pass, building little signposts along the timeline of my life. And as I reach this particular marker I find myself reflecting on the yo-yo nature of my existence. Up and down, up and down. 

Things change so quickly. 

Lots of things have changed over the past 7 months - some good, some really not, some neither good or bad just changed. 

Today, as just another Monday - not as a specially signposted day - feels like a low point. One of those days when I realise just how far from God I've fallen without even noticing. A day to drag my bruised and grubby, sinful self back to the cross to deal with my mess face to face with the Saviour of my soul.

But today as a build-a-signpost, 7-month-marker tells a different story. When I view today as one wee point in a panoramic view of the past number of months or years all I can see is God's grace and the beautiful way that he weaves everything together for His purposes.

Life is so chaotically complex. We don't experience just one pure emotion in a single, momentary little box. We have all these thoughts and feelings and memories vying for attention, sadness over one situation competes with excitement about possibilities on the horizon, memories that bring a smile can in the same moment bring a tear of grief. 

From one minute to the next our whole world can change whilst simultaneously we are caught up in a much longer process of change as we are made new in God; shaped and moulded and refined to more clearly reflect Jesus. Changed and made new when we give our lives to Jesus, the old self passes away and we are made a new creation. But a new creation that is still being formed day by day.

In church language preachers often talk about "both/and". I'm learning that we live in a constant state of both/and. We are both changed and changing, and I am beginning to understand that we need to view life through a changed-and-changing lense. Not viewing today as a stand-alone entity but as one part of a much bigger picture. 

So today I do come back to the cross, with all my mess. But rather than coming in shame, I come knowing that God has been doing and continues to do a renewing work in me and that in His grace He is making me, day by day, more and more into the person He created me to be. 

Renewed Perspective

I did something a little bit mental this weekend. On Friday morning I booked flights to go down to London for the weekend and later, after a twelve hour working day, packed a rucksack ready to fly down to London on Saturday morning.

It's been six and a half months since I moved back to Glasgow and it was the end of June the last time I went down to visit. As my last few posts have suggested, over the last wee while I've been struggling with fear and letting the day-to-day realities of life get on top of me a little. I've been fixating on questions about what's next, and I've been giving myself a hard time about pretty much everything. I needed to spend some time with the people who know me best. The ones who wouldn't think twice about setting me straight on my skewed perspective. The ones whose words of correction don't sting because I know they love me unconditionally.

I couldn't help feeling as I boarded the plane on Saturday morning that it was going to be incredibly difficult to leave London on Monday evening. And I spent the majority of the flight thinking about looking for jobs that could move me back there permanently.

But it's amazing how quickly all of that dissipated. Hearing the story of my last 6 months relayed back to me from a number of my friends brought wonder and excitement flooding back. It was like I spent my time over the weekend plugged in to charge and with every conversation I was refuelling. My perspective was pulled back into line as people reminded me over and over how far God has brought me, out of a dark valley and into a new place. I think that I am still definitely climbing this particular hill, so I can't fully see the view that the last year has been working towards, but I have been reminded that the view is coming. It's always so much easier to make sense of the climb when we know what we were climbing towards. But I've been reminded to trust Him even though I am blind to what the future holds.

It was so great to be back at All Saints on Sunday worshipping with my family there but it absolutely confirmed for me that it is right that that is no longer where I am. It doesn't make the people there any less my family, and it was great to pick up where I left off with so many folk. But my place is most definitely in Glasgow. It turned out not to be so difficult to get on the plane on Monday night.

I feel like I have come back changed.

Renewed.

My perspective is much more healthy and it's having a positive effect on my work, my productivity, my creativity and my efficiency. I know that I am where I am meant to be and I am going to make the most of every moment and every opportunity.

This morning it was a huge battle to get out of my bed but as I chose again and again to be thankful and to be positive, negativity couldn't keep a hold of me.

It all comes down to love. The love of my friends and the overwhelming love of God that I experienced afresh as the Holy Spirit rested heavily on me on Sunday evening. At the time I was aware that God was doing something in my heart but I couldn't have defined what. My attitude today has been so vastly different to my attitude over the last number of weeks that I can only deduce that there's a connection.

And anyway, isn't it a biblical truth that perfect love casts out all fear?

This weekend God has showered me with His perfect love through the Holy Spirit and through His church.

So maybe my last minute trip wasn't quite so much mental as prompted by the Holy Spirit...

A wandering prodigal returning home

This evening I am finally ready to admit that I have been living in fear. 

I'm not quite sure when it crept back up on me, but it's been following me around like a shadow for longer than I would like to admit.

Over the past couple of months I, along with a bunch of folk, have been reading a book called Everday Church by Tim Chester and Steve Timmis. In one chapter they suggest that God is four G's:

Great - He is Sovereign. He holds all things together

Glorious - He is the only One worthy of glory and the only One worthy to be feared

Good - He is the only bringer of true and lasting joy

Gracious - He has justified us through the blood of Christ so we do not need to justify ourselves

And these four truths have a profound bearing on our lives:

Because God is great we don't have to be in control

Because God is glorious we don't have to fear others

Because God is good we don't have to look elsewhere

Because God is gracious we don't have to prove ourselves

But somewhere along the way I have lost sight of all four of these. I've started trying to get control over my life and worrying about what will happen with work when my current contracts run out. I've been filled with fear that I won't have enough work to pay my way. I've been fearing too what other people think of me both in general and in a work context. This fear has been so paralysing that several times a week I consider packing it all in and giving up. And I've forgotten that God is good and is all I need, so I've started coveting material things and craving food that will never satisfy. I've forgotten that God, in His grace has already bought me at a price and adopted me into His family, knowing full well that I'm not good enough but making me holy and blameless in His sight, and because I've forgotten this, I'm constantly trying to prove myself and earn my place at the table.

I've got myself into quite a state. 

So tonight I'm asking God to teach me the four G's again and choosing to surrender the fear to Him. Once again this wandering, prodigal child is returning home to her Father who is waiting with open arms.

Mastering the Dread

It wasn't so long ago that I was without work and feeling desperately useless and endlessly lethargic. I would have quite happily taken any work that was offered to me and been utterly overjoyed if it actually had anything to do with drama, theatre or the arts. Yet now, 4 weeks in to a very full freelance schedule I am experiencing "the dread". That feeling that most people have on a Sunday evening but I have on a Tuesday evening because along with the many unconventional aspects of self-employed, freelance work in the arts, I work over the weekend and have my weekend when everyone else is back at work.

See, I am already sounding negative.

When did I lose the overwhelming thankfulness that I had when things started coming together? Exactly how long did it take to fall into the pattern of the world, where we largely live for the weekend? And why am I allowing myself to trundle along, counting down the days until work is over? Work that a couple of months ago I was so unbelievably grateful for. When did I lose sight of this work being God's provision?

There's been a lot of stuff posted online and in the media recently about Generation Y and how we are living in an age of entitlement, where we expect to land the dream job and to be totally fulfilled by the work we are doing. And on top of that some of us have an extra dose of natural ambition. I've always been ambitious, and not necessarily always in a good way. I always want to be three steps ahead of where I am. And that stops me from seeing and remembering the blessing in the here and now.

No, I might not be doing the kind of work that I would really like to be doing, but I am a step closer to it than I was 6 months ago, and two steps closer than I was this time last year.

It's all a journey.

So, I am choosing this evening to master the dread. To go to bed with a thankful heart. To count my blessings and live in the present. Not with my eye on the future but with my eye on the One who holds the future in His hands. Trusting in Him to make my path straight.

Fasting from Facebook for a Fortnight

I've decided to take a break from facebook for a fortnight. It's not the first time that I've done it, but this time it feels more significant.

It's amazing how many hours can disappear in an evening from just watching television or browsing through facebook. It's time that I've decided I am not willing to waste anymore. Partly because I find I am neglecting other things that would be more worthwhile. But also because I've decided that the time I spend on facebook takes me further away from truth.

It is so easy to start measuring your life against the lives others project on your news feed, and I know that I for one have found myself dealing with jealousy, competitiveness, feelings of failure and inadequacy, and I've generally just found myself striving. And the worst part is that it's so subtle. For me, time spent on facebook has allowed the enemy's whispering lies to gain a foothold in my heart. "You're not successful because you're not getting the kind of work that so-and-so is getting." "You are unloveable because you're not married or engaged when all your peers are." "You should own a flat and have a proper job by now, you are wasting your life."

And before I know it, I've joined in with the great facebook charade and I am projecting a version of myself to all the people who follow me in an attempt to prove that those whispering lies aren't quite true, although deep down I know that I have started to believe them.

It becomes so easy to forget that the single most important thing in my life is Jesus. Before all other things comes my love for Him. He doesn't care about some half-true version of myself that I display on my profile because He knows the innermost workings of my heart. He knows me better than I know myself and no matter how much of a failure I might be, He will always love me. Unconditionally.

So this fortnight, I am packing in my online persona and instead I'm going to spend those normally-wasted hours getting to know who He says I am. I'm going to be still in His presence and stop striving. I am going to trust in His sovereignty.

I'm going to engage with the world in real time. I'm going to spend time with people in person. I'm going to be more fully present in the day to day - not buried in my facebook app on my phone.

I'm pretty sure it's not going to be easy. I'm sure I will feel like I am missing out on all the latest goings-on. But I am also sure that I will come through the other end changed and a few steps closer to who I was created to be. And for that I can't wait.

The fruit of two months back in Glasgow

So today marks two months of being back in Glasgow so it seemed only fitting to have a wee reflection on the whirlwind so far and the questions it has posed for me.

I can say without doubt that moving back North was the right decision, after months of closed doors it has been amazing to have had so many positive meetings and introductions and opportunities here. It has done wonders for my confidence in myself as an artist and facilitator, and has allowed my energy to be channelled into reflecting on my practice instead of mere survival.

So what have I been up to for the 61 days I have been home? And what have I achieved?

It is fair to say I have been busy the whole time I have been back, although perhaps a lot of what I have been doing wouldn't necessarily be conventionally classed as work... but welcome to the life of a freelancer!!

So let's start with the quantifiable...

Four Decades at Traverse Theatre with Playwrights Studio Scotland

In my first week at home the Traverse were hosting an event that looked back over the past four decades of Scottish Theatre and forward into what the future might hold. This was perfect timing for me! Having studied Contemporary British Theatre as part of my MA, one might have expected that I would have been familiar with a fair bit of what was covered. One would be wrong! I spent my three days at Four Decades (The Nineties, The 2000s, and the Future) frantically noting down names and companies and plays and books for further research and trying to scope out who was who.

It wasn't until later that I remembered feeling this same way at the start of my Playwriting course at City Lit and again at the beginning of my MA. But very quickly the jigsaw pieces begin to join up and a picture begins to emerge.

These three days were invaluable for getting my head back in the Scottish scene and for meeting some important folk. And all three days were paid for by the Theatre Tokens that my lovely All Saints' family gave me in my leaving gift.

Skill Up with Promote YT at Dundee Rep

The following week I spent the weekend through in Dundee at a conference for those working in the youth theatre sector. It was so refreshing to be surrounded by others who were passionate about creating great theatre with young people and it was great to stretch our brains together about some of the challenges of working in this sector. I particularly enjoyed the morning I spent in a workshop led by Louise Brodie (Artist in Residence with Imaginate) on the Ethics of Autobiographical Work with Young People. This is a subject I have wrestled with for a while and I just really enjoyed hearing others opinions and chewing over ideas. The workshop also really stretched me as an artist and put me in the shoes of the participant - this was so crucial because it can be so easy to forget what it feels like to be the young people we work with, and it brings a whole new perspective to the question of whether what we do and what we ask of them is "ok".

I also participated in workshops with Company of Angels, Mary McCluskey from Scottish Youth Theatre and Jemima Levick from Dundee Rep, saw a performance by Dundee Rep Youth Theatre, went to a ceilidh and met lots of people from all different sections of the industry. All in all, it was entirely worth it!

Small Change with Citizens Theatre Learning

Within just a few days of being back I was fortunate enough to be offered a project with Citizens' Theatre Learning. The project was rolled out in primary schools across Glasgow, working with Primary 7 pupils to use drama to think about money management. I delivered the project in two primary school's in the East End of Glasgow over four weeks.

It was great to get some work sorted really quickly and it felt amazing to be out workshopping again. It was also really nice to be back in the East End where I did placements in first and second year of uni. It brought back a whole load of memories but it was also really cool to think about how far I have come since then and how much I have grown as a practitioner.

What's more I learned a bit more about money management myself! One particular highlight was when one of my classes educated me on "Menage money" (pronounced minodge).

Get into Drama with Enable Scotland and Platform, Glasgow

Also within the first week of being back, I secured a project working with adults with additional support needs out in Cumbernauld. The group is a brand new group as part of a new programme of activities that has been launched by Enable Scotland. We've had great fun over the past 7 weeks getting to know each other and working out a direction for the project. It's all looking really exciting and I am especially excited that the project is going to roll on indefinitely.

I won't give away just yet what we are working on, but I hope that soon we will have something that we can share with an invited audience. Watch this space!

Play Station at Platform, Glasgow

Through word of mouth and my website (designed by the brilliant James McNelly), I was contacted by Matt Addicott at Platform and asked to be a part of the team of facilitating artists delivering Play Station this term. Play Station is a Saturday morning drop-in drama session for children aged 5-7.

This project has been really important for me in my development as a facilitating artist and has really caused me to reflect on my practice and consider what I think the purpose is in my work with children in this age group. You can find out more about my thoughts that were inspired by my work with this group in my previous blog post (A reflection on integrity).

I have two more sessions left with Play Station and I have to say I will really miss it! It has re-awakened my love for working with children of this age!

Words, Words, Words at Traverse Theatre, Edinburgh

Words, Words, Words is a scratch night of new writing - 8 extracts of previously unseen work from 8 writers at any stage in their career directed by 8 emerging directors.

I applied to join the Emerging Directors scheme at the Traverse and as such was notified about this opportunity. I sat on it for a few days, swinging between feeling like I shouldn't apply because I wouldn't get chosen and feeling like I shouldn't apply because if they did choose me, that was terrifying. So I decided the only thing I could do was apply. Time passed and I figured I hadn't been chosen... but I was wrong! I was given an extract of a play called "Look at Me Look at You" by Robyn Hunt and I had an hour and fifteen minutes to direct a rehearsed reading of the piece with actors Paul Cunningham and Tom Freeman.

It felt like being back at drama school and I spent most of the day feeling utterly sick, but ultimately it was an amazing experience and I know that were I to have the opportunity to do this, or something similar again, I would do lots of things very differently! Most of all though, I wouldn't be afraid to ask the questions that may seem silly. For example, I knew the event was to take place in Traverse 2. Every time I have ever seen anything in Traverse 2, the space has been in thrust... so I assumed...

Wrong!

It was set end on.

Lesson 1: Always ask what the space will be set up like.

Theatre I've seen

I've seen a wide and varied selection of companies and productions as well as a number of rehearsed readings, all of which are helping me to define what my theatrical taste is. The productions I have seen in my two months of being back are:

Black Watch by NTS at SECC
Dr Faustus at Citizens' Theatre
Headlong's The Seagull at the Citizens' Theatre
Scottish Opera and D'oyly Carte's Pirates of Penzance at the Theatre Royal, Glasgow
The One Man Show Off as part of the Southside Fringe
Little Shop of Horrors at Cottiers by Pantheon
The House of Bernarda Alba by students from Motherwell College at Cottiers Kelvinbridge
Slick by Vox Motus at Platform

As for the rest...

I've spent a lot of time having meetings and coffees with folk, sending CV's and applications and I have to say the future is looking bright! Lots of these I can't really share at the moment but some future stuff that I can share includes:

National Festival of Youth Theatre

I am going to be delivering a series of workshops at the National Festival of Youth Theatre on working with text for performance. The NFYT takes place in Glenrothes and will involve camping for the weekend - prayers for dry weather would be much appreciated!

Summer Academy at Citizens' Theatre

I will be leading a Summer Academy at the Citizens' Theatre for 9-12 year olds at the end of July. I'm really excited to be back in the building working with the young people.

Re:Action Youth Theatre at Callander House with Falkirk Community Trust

After the summer I will be working with Clare Collins and the young people at Re:Action to create a site specific piece of theatre at Callander House which will be performed on the three Saturdays in December leading up to Christmas. It's going to be great to get back to working with a youth theatre group and this project really reminds me of a piece I worked on at Dean Castle in my time with East Ayrshire Youth Theatre.

East Renfrewshire Council Youth Services

I have recently been successful in my application to be a part of the detached youth work team for East Renfrewshire Council. This is a pretty new thing for me and I am looking forward to working with young people in this new format for me.

I've been reflecting a lot on this wee job and how it fits into the bigger picture of my work. I have talked lots about the tension I feel in the work that I make between a social agenda and an artistic agenda. This job certainly sits on the social agenda side (where Words, Words, Words sat very much on the artistic side). But the more I reflect on this spectrum the more I see that it all feeds into each other. In both extremes of the scale I can learn things that will impact the rest of my work, wherever it lands on the scale. Surely working in a detached youth work context with young people is only going to help me to better relate to the young people I work with in a youth theatre context? In the same way that working in a purely "theatre" context can also inform my work within youth theatre. Basically, it's all good and none of it's wasted... as long as I keep questioning and reflecting. I want to keep learning all the time, and the best way to do that is definitely to keep asking questions.

So there we go. A jam-packed two months and lots of hope for the future. I'll keep you posted!